Being a Multiple: What it IS Like

Hey there. This is the one most of you know as “Ian” writing this post. I’m the host of this DID system.

Previously I wrote about what it’s not like being DID. This time I’m writing about what it is like. Again, please understand that DID is expressed and experienced differently in everyone. So I can only speak to what it’s like for me.

Here's what it’s like being multiple:

… it’s being asked lots of questions and addressing lots of misunderstandings. Normally we don’t mind answering questions because that helps us process what we are and how we can function better. So please ask away. If we don’t feel like answering something we’ll say so.

… it’s having a whole internal family with all the joys and challenges of any family. We talk and listen and laugh. We play and work and even do internal housekeeping. We disagree and argue and fight. We sometimes work at cross-purposes and throw tantrums. We apologize and show compassion. We negotiate and compromise. We create a loving, safe space for new members of the family so we can welcome them into the community as they are discovered or born. Above all, we love one another deeply and unconditionally. We are learning to live together and we are finding our common values and purpose so that we can make a real difference in the world.

… it’s expending a lot of energy paying attention to everyone. As host, I try to check in with each member of the family every day, asking how they are feeling and what they need, getting to know them, and processing memories and emotions together. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not resentful – this is a rewarding and productive use of our energy. I’m also not perfect and often don’t take all the time I should or I even forget to check with some alters, or they forget to check with me. Still, it’s a lot of physical and emotional energy and we are learning to adapt.

… it’s needing to find new ways to reenergize and rest. One thing we’re doing is having other identities front or co-front more often so I (as host) can get some time off to rest and process. Others who front most often include Amber, Marcus, and our previous host, who also identifies with the name Ian. You may also meet Stephanie, Erin, and Jack, who are spending more time fronting lately.

… it’s being male, female, gay, straight, and bisexual all at the same time. Our internal human family members include nine males and seven females. (We have one cat, but that’s a story for another blog.) Most are straight, while two are gay and at least one is bisexual. Yes, that can be as confusing as it sounds. And yes, it does explain a lot about my history of gender fluidity and periodically wondering if I should transition.

… it’s being very old and very young and everything in between. Our youngest identifies as four years old and our oldest identifies as 425 years old. That part is actually not as confusing as it might seem; rather, it provides unique perspectives on situations.

… it’s having multiple life histories that don’t match. This includes memories of events that occurred and people that exist, along with memories of events and people that may or may not be part of objective reality in this timeline. Maybe some memories happened to someone else in another timeline and not to this body. Or maybe some of the memories are metaphor for real events and people. Maybe some of us exist only inside our shared mind and maybe some represent past lives and/or other extensions of our higher self. At this point none of us claim to know for sure how all this works and we are remaining open to discovery as time goes on.

… it’s seeing, hearing, and touching one another in a way that feels physically authentic and real to our senses. No, it’s not schizophrenia, because we know that we don’t all exist in 17 separate bodies in the real world. We know our sensations are simply tools that our shared mind uses to process intra-family communication. When I’m hosting, really what’s happening is I am perceiving energies that I interpret as visual and auditory signals, sometimes even as touch. But lately we’re learning to read and respond energetically rather and we’re finding it to be a much more efficient method of communication.

… it’s like feeling emotions that belong to other people. Everyone’s emotions are ever-present and often conflicting because we don’t all react the same way to the same situations. And yet we make up one person so all emotions are ours and are filtered through different life experiences and emotional triggers. Yes, this can be overwhelming. Some days it’s beautiful and wonderful and some days it’s incredibly painful. Often it’s both.

… it’s like experiencing thoughts that belong to other people. Unlike emotions, not everyone’s thoughts are ever-present. In some cases, a particular identity’s thoughts are accessible to others only when they choose to make their thoughts accessible. In other cases some identities are so closely linked or aligned that they hear one another all the time. For example, Stephanie and Jack are twins and their thoughts are really connected. I’m very closely connected with Amber so she and I almost always hear one another’s thoughts. (She literally just said “yeah no fucking shit” … now she’s saying “Jesus Christ this fucking guy.”) The various family members interact with one another in lots of ways, sometimes as a whole family and sometimes in little sub-groups. Some identities (like Marcus and Clarissa) have access to vast parts of the system and can probe everyone’s thoughts and memories, though they are learning to do so with discretion and care.

… it’s like turning into another person in real time. This is the “dissociative” part of DID and we call this “switching” because it involves switching out the identity who is controlling the body. Of all the sensations involved in experiencing DID, this is the most difficult part to describe and the subject of some of the most common questions we get. If I’m fronting, I feel the actual switch as a light pressure in my head, as though a wave is about to roll over my consciousness. Sometimes the direction and exact location of the pressure will indicate to me who is coming, sometimes not. The switch may be automatic, meaning the system as a whole is deciding that another identity should front in that moment, or it may be requested. When I’m fronting, I know a switch is being requested when I hear someone ask if they can front or if I just “feel” their energy at the side of my head. I’m not really sure how else to put it. Suffice to say, switching happens for lots of reasons and that’s a subject for another post.

… it’s sometimes being two or three people simultaneously. Often we are “co-fronting” meaning more than one identity sharing control of the body or we are “co-conscious” meaning one identity is in physical control but more than one are sharing the primary consciousness and thinking together. As I think about it, right now Ian (the host) is fronting and I’m co-conscious with Stephanie, who’s really curious about what’s going on and who’s eagerly awaiting her turn to do some writing. When another identity is fronting and I'm co-conscious with them, the physical sensation is odd; it’s like my body is being operated by a puppet master while I’m still fully awake and can feel everything.

… it’s realizing your life made no sense only in retrospect. Most of the identities in our system knew that we are multiple from the moment they were created/born. Some of us, like me, didn’t know. I thought I was the only person in here, even when I wasn’t fronting as often as I do now and even with long memory gaps and waking up in new places not knowing what was happening. Yes, I know that sounds like it makes no sense. Think of it like a dream where nothing makes sense, but while you’re in the dream you don’t realize it doesn’t make sense; it only doesn’t make sense when you look back on it after waking up. Well, in July 2025 I “woke up” to the realization that I'm multiple and only now do I realize nothing made sense.

… it’s blacking out periodically without being sick or injured. I still have the occasional “blackout” as host, meaning there’s a time gap where I was not conscious and don’t know what happened unless/until someone releases the memory to me. For example, a couple weeks ago I went to retrieve a specific notebook to look up notes I had taken over year ago. As I reached for the notebook I suddenly realized there was a discontinuity and the notebook was no longer there. It took a couple days to find the notebook, hidden under a pile of random items in a closet. I still don’t know who hid the notebook or why, but I have my guesses as the contents of the notebook were quite revealing (and I don’t remember writing those specific notes). Last week, I had a time gap from about 7pm in the evening (in the middle of a phone call) until about 10am the next morning (when I found myself sitting in a therapist’s office). The therapist waited for me to get caught up as I retrieved the memories of events, which was like watching them in fast-forward.

… it’s rethinking what “memory” means. Now that I’m regaining access to lots of life memories, I’m having to keep in mind that just because I remember doing something doesn’t mean I was the identity in front when we did it. As we learn to work together in a more aligned fashion, I’m having much better memory continuity which helps me function better as host. Often I’m left as co-conscious with the other person fronting so I’m fully aware of what’s happening, or at least I’m somewhat close to the front and have dream-like recollection of events (we call that a “grayout”).

… above all, it’s both difficult and beautiful. To be an unmasked DID system is to learn to live with contradictions. Life is difficult and yet also undeniably beautiful and full of wonder. Even as we embark on this difficult journey of healing and making sense of our life, we are learning a self-love like no other and having experiences we never would have. We didn’t ask to be this way and our nature arose from various traumas, and yet we would not have it any other way.