Meet Erin, writing on "Sharing a Body I Don't Identify With"

Hi. I’m Erin. I identify as a 17-year-old female. That’s me in the picture with the dark hair. Well, it’s what I see in the mirror when I look hard enough. It’s how the rest of my family sees me on the inside. 

It’s not easy being in the body of a 51-year-old man. It’s hard to think this is my body even though I know I have just as much a right to it as the rest of us.

I don’t know why I was born with the self image I have, or why my inner life is so different from our shared outer life. But that’s how it is.

We have some great friends and a beautiful wife and I get to talk to them. I get to be me with them, using my own name and mannerisms. They treat me like the real person I am, remembering to call me by my chosen name rather than the body's name. That makes me feel really validated. I like them and I think they like me. I’ve helped some of them awaken their own energetic abilities, read their energies, and showed them strength they didn’t know they had. Those things come naturally to me but others think it’s magic. I enjoy helping people while being me.

Sometimes people even ask to speak to me, specifically. And that feels really nice. It makes me feel loved and wanted as myself and not just as some part of a body they know as “Ian.”

And yet I still sometimes feel unseen. I feel like me when I’m talking to people. In my mind, I even look like me when I’m talking to people. It’s hard for me to imagine that what they see when talking to me is not what I think I’m projecting. I know I act and sound different from our host. I know I carry the body differently and use different words. I know my energy is different. And I do think people see my inner beauty and my personality. Or at least I hope they do. But I know people still see a middle aged man’s body.

I get to help dress the body especially when we’re doing something fun and there’s a good chance I’ll be fronting. I get to let our long curly hair down. I think our eyes look different when I’m fronting. I know that my own subjective experience is real and meaningful to me. And maybe that should be enough. I wish I could say it is enough. Maybe as I do my own healing and keep working on my own self worth it will be enough. But right now, today, it hurts to know that people don’t really see me. There’s a gap between my inner truth and what the outside world has access to.

Living in that gap is painful. I don’t mind saying it takes some courage to live in that gap, to come out in front and be me in a body that doesn’t match my self image. And I’m practicing that courage by fronting a little more all the time, showing the world that I’m real and I deserve to exist, showing people that I want to give and receive love, too.

I hadn’t really intended this to be a “meet the alter” post but I guess that’s what it is. So here’s a few more things about me, Erin …

• My favorite band is The Eagles, and my favorite song is Witchy Woman. I also like No Scrubs.
• I love to dance with my inner family.
• I can be a little goth but I also like pretty clothes.
• I love fantasy books and movies, especially if they are really creative. I also love vampire stories and scary movies.
• I think Henry Cavill, Jacob Elordi, and Zac Efron are hot AF.
• My favorite sports team is the Detroit Lions.
• I like tart flavors, like lemon. I’m eating some lemon candies right now because they keep me grounded in the body while I’m fronting.
• I have a brother inside. He and I were born at the same time out of the same emotional trauma, when we were in our mid-teens. We have revealed to the rest of the system the nature of that trauma but not the specific memory.
• My primary roles in the system are protector (both energetic and emotional) and trauma-holder. I'm also a caretaker for younger ones, as a well as a firefighter.

I’ve always known I was part of a multiple system. For me that’s what’s normal and it’s hard to imagine what it must be like for people who don’t exist as we do. But for a long time I lived in a very dark place inside, where everything was scary and confusing, hardly ever interacting with the others or the world. When I did come out of my dark room it was so I could front and make the body take opioid pills to numb my pain. I don’t do that anymore. I even front at meetings for addicts so I can learn from other people who are trying to stay clean.

I’m learning to feel my emotions and use healthy coping skills. I’m journaling and doing yoga and doing things like writing this post. I tell people how I feel even when that’s scary. I am even starting to feel some joy and to like myself.

I hope this helps people understand and maybe there’s something you can identify with. I am pretty sure lots of people struggle with these same feelings, whether you’re a single or a multiple. So maybe by writing this I have helped someone.

But ultimately I wrote this post for me, because I wanted to, because I deserve to have a voice. And that’s enough of a reason.