Oops! Turns Out I'm a Multiple!

So it turns out I have dissociative identity disorder. That’s right: I have multiple personalities. Seems I’ve had this condition most of my life, possibly as early as 4 years old. Believe it or not, I didn’t know any of this until July 2025 at the age of 50, when life came crashing down in a manner that left me no choice but to start confronting my mental health.                                                                                                   

You might be wondering how I can have multiple personalities and not know it. Turns out it’s pretty easy and fairly common. This condition affects somewhere around one or two percent of the population and most of them are undiagnosed or misdiagnosed.

Prior to my diagnosis, it was like being an especially forgetful person with no consistent life narrative and no understanding of what it means to have a sense of self. I also had rather eclectic attitudes, behaviors, tastes, and styles. I sometimes had long gaps in my memory and other times felt like my body was being controlled by a puppet master. Depression, anxiety, and addiction were constant struggles. I could tell I wasn’t like other people because I couldn’t answer simple questions and couldn’t relate events in a coherent manner. Often I would make things up so as not to give people reason to ask what was wrong with me. I knew I was different in some fundamental way and I didn’t understand why but, at the same, it was all I knew. So for me it was normal.

 After my diagnosis, I embarked on the most terrifying and challenging journey of my life, yet also the most beautiful and rewarding. I’m diving into my newly discovered condition with enthusiasm and I’m growing and learning in ways I did not imagine possible. I’m finding gratitude for all the experiences that molded me into who I am because this experience is full of beauty and wonder and, if I’m being honest, I wouldn’t change places with anybody. Admittedly I’m undergoing intensive mental health care because I’m not a functioning adult right now as I adapt to this state of being. Yet I’m hopeful that, with time and hard work, I will learn to live and thrive with my condition.

This blog will document my journey.

Three quick notes before I continue: 

First, the clinical term for my condition is dissociative identity disorder (DID) and the clinical term for the other identities inside me is “alters” or “personality states.” However, I prefer the term “multiple” for my condition and the term “family members” for the various identities who exist inside me. This is a personal preference which reflects how we see one another inside, as well as how we choose to treat and explore this condition together.

Second, if you ask several clinicians who treat DID about treatment goals and modalities, you will get several different answers. Some clinicians prefer to seek a total integration or “fusion” of the identities into a single ego. That is not my preference. To many of those inside me, fusion into a single ego sounds a lot like dying. Instead, my treatment involves a parts-work modality called “internal family systems” and a DID-specific modality called “the collective heart” plus lots of training in distress tolerance, along with holistic modalities like meditation, yoga, somatic movement, and energetic healing. This treatment combination allow us to maintain our individual identities and work toward being a functional, loving, and harmonious family unit rather than asking some of us to, essentially, give up our lives.

Third, being multiple involves a spectrum of experiences and it’s different for everyone. I can’t speak to what it’s like or other multiples, so I’ll only speak to what it’s like for me.

In my next post, we’ll start talking about what it’s not like and correcting some misconceptions.